Having a 2 year old has opened my eyes to the new phase of parenting where you lose that sweet, innocent baby that can do no wrong, and are replaced with a whining, screaming, mischievous toddler. It all seems to happen over night and you wake up one day with a brand new child that you have little to no control over. You have to be 10 steps ahead of them at all times and you still lose. You ask yourself on a daily basis, “Where did he learn to hit?”, “Who taught her to throw food across the kitchen?”, “Why is she completely losing it because her blocks fell over? Is she insane?” All of these new behaviors erupt out of nowhere and you’re left blindsided and shocked that your once little baby is capable of such things. I have come to accept the fact that the terrible two stage of parenting is pretty much a bust, and I am hoping and praying that this phase will end by tomorrow.
Here are 20 ways your terrible two year old is ruining your life:
1.) You’ve cleaned poop off the carpet, walls, crib, cabinets, and bath tub.
2.) They’ve got you trained better than a butler at Downton Abbey. They say juice, you jump up and retrieve it. You bring the juice, they scream that they want milk instead and you rush right back to the kitchen for the mother f’ing milk.
3.) You’ve watched every single episode from every season of Peppa Pig and Daniel Tiger and are 3 seasons behind on all of your favorite shows.
4.) Apple juice is the new glue that holds your wedding album together.
5.) Meal time conversation only consists of negotiating with and begging your tyrant of a child to eat.
6.) Your friends comment on your unique tie-dye carpeting, but it’s really just from all the Play-Doh that is smashed and dried into it.
7.) You’ve lost track of the amount of times you’ve been bitch slapped by your kid.
8.) Crack upon crack upon crack on your phone screen.
9.) The keys on your laptop stick because juice was spilled all over them during an intense surprise egg YouTube video session. This happened on dad’s watch, of course.
10.) You haven’t been to a restaurant in forever because trying to get your kid to sit still for an hour would require horse tranquilizers, and that’s not legal.
11.) After crawling around on the floor for 30 minutes picking up microscopic-sized plastic toys, your kid dumps a whole bin of Legos all over the floor with a devilish smirk on his face.
12.) Boogers are crusted onto your new J. Crew sweater- the white wool one that has to be dry cleaned.
13.) At some point, every single day, your soul and livelihood feels broken.
14.) Putting shoes and a coat on a feral cat sounds easier and more pleasant than putting shoes and a coat on your kid.
15.) Everyone at Target has seen you half naked because your kid decided to fling the fitting room door open and run.
16.) The expensive lipstick you saved from your wedding day has been smashed on your Anthropologie quilt and this is why we can’t have anything nice.
17.) Your car smells like sour milk and stale french fries.
18.) You whisper “What the fuck?” to yourself at least 50 times a day.
19.) As soon as you sink your fork into your dessert on cheat day, your kid is standing at your feet begging for a bite, and sharing food with a 2 year old really means you get 30% and they get 70%.
20.) You are told on a daily basis, “Mommy has a biiiiiig butt!”.
But really, I am 100% certain that when my kids are grown up and don’t need me anymore, I will be crying and yearning for those days of smeared boogers on my shirt, the dried sour milk smell in my car, the 3 am cuddles, and all the innocent mischief they filled my life with.
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